Most of you know that my mother died on April 11, 2010. I have not posted in almost 2 months because these next few posts have been difficult and heart wrenching to write. This has been the most difficult and trying 6 months of my life, outside of the death of my daughter in 1993.
As a little girl we grow up with many identities. We are known all of our life as parent’s daughter and then as we grow up and get married we are known as our husband’s wife. We never seem to realize how much our own identity is wrapped up in those that we hold so dear.
As the grieving for my mother continued and the days got darker and the crying spells longer, I tried to make sense of why I was having such a hard time with her death. My whole life we had a very volatile relationship and I tried so hard not to be like her, demanding, opinionated, independent, the center of attention, the life of the party, etc……But as I tried to come to grips with her absence I started to understand something. My identity was completely wrapped up in her, being her daughter, being like her in some ways. Who I was, was defined by who she was and vice versa.
Any daughter and mother can understand what I mean. I also understood something, in losing her I lost a part of myself. I lost a part of my identity, the part I call my mother’s daughter. Even though we fought and often I still miss her. I still find myself picking up the phone to call her and I can’t.
So, as I find myself trying to deal with the loss of my other I also find myself dealing with the loss of part of myself, part of my identity, this is incredibly hard. If you have ever lost a mother, I certainly pray for you and your family. If you are at odds with your mother please change it before it is too late to do so. May god bless you all.