A Selfish Act

by // // 2 Comments

Eleven years ago today my brother committed suicide, he was 32 years old. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, suicide was the 11th leading cause of death in the United States, and it was the 8th leading cause of death for males, and 19th leading cause of death for females.

Thanksgiving Day 1999, I received a call about 3:30 in the morning. My mother was on the phone, she could barely breathe she was crying so hard. She then told me my brother was gone and I needed to come home.

I proceeded to pack suitcases for 5 people including funeral clothes in under an hour and got on the road and headed home. I lived in Louisville, Kentucky at the time. It took us just under 7 hours to get home, so at a time when every one was enjoying being together, eating turkey and having fun, we were trying to make sense of losing our sibling in such a tragic and horrible way. I spent the holiday weekend picking out a burial plot, flowers, caskets, songs, clothes, it was the most horrible 4 days I can ever remember. We buried him that Saturday.

Suicide is a very selfish act. Those that kill themselves do not think about those they leave behind.

This is not the first time our family had experienced the horror of suicide. My father also killed himself when I was nine years old. It took me 16 years to understand why he took his own life, and that I was not to blame. Those they leave behind wonder what they could have done differently, what they didn’t do to prevent this, what signs they didn’t see, etc….. It is all very confusing and painful. A death by suicide leaves everyone connected to the deceased feeling guilty, bewildered, shocked, confused, angry, and many other things.

Having experienced this horror twice in my lifetime and especially the day before a holiday, my heart goes out to anyone that has lost a loved one close to a holiday. I know many are celebrating the holidays while missing loved ones no longer here. I went to the cemetery today to tell my brother how much I missed him and wished he was here. The holidays for me will never be the same without my parents and my sibling.

Please enjoy your holidays, but take time to remember those no longer with us. May God bless you all.

thegeekwife

Cancer Awareness

by // // 1 Comment

October is Cancer Awareness Month. According to the National Cancer Institute, “On January 1, 2007, in the United States there were approximately 11,713,736 men and women alive who had a history of cancer of all sites”. This is a staggering number, and the best way to fight cancer is by early detection.

I have lost many family members to cancer of many different kinds over the years. There is a definite concern for our health in our family. As my mother lay dying I remember thinking to myself, “What if I only have a few years left?” In the last few years I have lost too many family members to cancer. Since my mother’s death I have had a complete head to toe workup in fear that I may be ill. Since all of my tests have comeback perfect and I am very healthy, I have to assume my not feeling well was due to the depression over my mother’s death. I feel like I have literally been given a new lease on life.

If you have any kind of cancer history in your family please keep up with your check-ups, they could save your live. Many people put off going to the doctor because they don’t want to hear the bad news, early detection is key to your survival. So, if you feel you are at risk, get your check-ups, take the time to do self-exams, you never know that 5 minutes, or a quick trip to the doctor could mean life or death. If you are at risk for lung cancer, insist on a chest x-ray with every yearly physical, I do. Life is too short, too precious to waste.

If you know of someone that has lost a family member to cancer, please stop and remember them this month.

thegeekwife

Family Pictures

by // // No Comments

I have been putting off joining a particular social network for many reasons over the last couple of years. Well a few weeks ago my brother made the comment that he was speaking with my one of my aunt’s about my uncle’s death, who died 6 years ago, she is on this network, and I felt left out. October is cancer awareness month and they were discussing his passing of lung cancer. So, I thought well it is time for me to bite the bullet and sign up. Well a peculiar thing happened the other night. I was flipping through one of my many aunts’ pages, my mom had 9 brothers and sisters, and I found a treasure trove of precious family pictures.

I began looking through the pictures and the memories began flooding my mind. One in particular caught my eye. After my father died, my mother and my two brothers, moved into my grandmother’s house and there were 13+ people living in this house at one time. Conditions were crowded and life was very busy, but very happy. As I saw the pictures of the inside of this house, all of those memories came running back to me; all of us trying to fit around the dining room table, the weekend football games, goodness knows we had enough for a co-ed team, all of the laughter and the fighting over the bathrooms, that was funny! It is amazing how many memories are attached to photographs.

I think my aunt did a wonderful thing posting these photos to her page so that we could reminisce as we looked at the photos. There were even some I wish she hadn’t posted, but the past is the past. So, if you have old pictures laying around dig them out and post them to your page, you never know whose heart you may touch. I know mine was by this one photograph.

thegeekwife

Storm Stories

by // // No Comments

Storm Stories

My minister, Rev Tommy Morgan at Grace Christian Church, Helena, got my attention in church on Sunday morning, as I am sure was his intention. I have not been to church lately due to my depression and sadness. His sermon was titled “Storm Stories”. Here is the link to his sermon: http://www.gracechristianchurch.org/audio/2010-10-17.mp3 In the last 6 months, during my period of darkness, I seemed to have forgotten the most important thing. The point of his sermon:

In the heart of every storm, there is a calm, in this calm there is a light, that light is Christ.

In the last few months of my pain I seemed to have forgotten that God was with me holding the calm I would not seek. In my despair I was swimming in the storm and could not find the peace and calm I needed. I had forgotten that my Lord and Saviour held that peace and calm. Why is it when we are hurting, or suffering that we get lost in our pain and grief and we forget to turn to the one thing that offers us the solace we truly need? My eyes and my heart have been opened again. I am ready now to accept that calm and the light. I am ready to return to my church and my church family and make them a part of my healing and my new beginning. I truly understand that my suffering would have been easier with them and Christ than without them. If you are living with pain of any kind, abuse, grief, sickness, whatever it maybe, find the light in the storm, the light of Christ and turn to him and he will give you the solace, the peace and calm you seek. I know I found it again. God bless you all.

thegeekwife

Our Love Story

by // // No Comments

Three months ago on Saturday, July 17, 2010 at Grace Christian Church in Helena, Alabama, I became Mrs. @inthemiddle.

Many people have asked how did you meet? Here is our story………

We had a mutual friend that spoke about us to each other for a very long time. She spoke of us to each other so much over the course of a year or more, I felt like I knew him before I met him. We did not know each other face to face, but through her conversations we felt like we knew each other pretty well and I had also heard his voice from time to time as well.  Then one night a couple of years later, fate intervened. We finally had met face to face.  I had to drive my friend’s car and him to her house and we rode together. I was thinking to myself, I could listen to that voice forever. It wasn’t the first time I had had that thought.

What is interesting about our relationship is that most of it was spent online since he lived an hour from me. He would message me in the morning as soon as he was awake, it was always the same message:

“Good morning Angel, I love you.”

He has always called me Angel from the very moment we started talking to each other. As soon as we arrived at work we would sign into chat and talk all day, then as soon as we arrived home we would talk long hours into the night via chat on instant messenger.

One day, he finally asked me out on a date and we met at On Tap in Lakeview, from that night on were inseparable. I was smitten. This man makes me laugh, even when times are tough, and since January 2010 there hasn’t been much to laugh at, as you can see from my previous blog posts, but he manages anyway. He keeps me from taking myself too seriously, he is a gentleman, my best friend, and some days, without him, I don’t know what I would do.

When people ask me what he is like I can honestly say James Bond and be deadly serious. I can hear you saying, “seriously?” Yes, seriously. He has that same confident air, he is debonair, he has the same charming qualities, he is fiercely protective and completely loyal. He is loving and generous, and a man who walks with Christ.

This man made me believe in love again. He came along just when I thought true love only existed in fairy tales. He is my prince charming, my best friend, my partner, my love, my shelter, my heart and my home. I am proud to be called his wife.

thegeekwife

Healing a Wounded Heart

by // // 2 Comments

My last few posts have been about my mother and they have been heart wrenching and difficult to write. But, now I would like to focus on healing my wounded heart and getting back to the me who enjoys the sunshine, being outside, always has a smile on her face and is never hesitant to get involved and help someone else. I haven’t been that person in quite awhile. I do not handle death well. I love my mother and miss her but today is about healing and beginning anew.

I have spent the last six months in the dark, not wanting to leave home, go to church, go to work, see my friends, etc…. These days have been long and lonely, but now I am ready to get back to my old self. I am ready to embrace the life I used to have. I want to enjoy my new marriage and the wonderful man who is my husband.  This has been a huge setback for me, but for those who have been through a significant loss, this is no surprise.

I am going to call the shelter my mother held so dear to her heart this week and see if they will have me. I am going to try to fill the shoes my mother left vacant at the shelter and see if I can try to make a difference to those women and children. I am going to continue the purpose of this blog, which is making a difference for those that have suffered at the hands of those they have loved. That is where I will find my strength and my healing. Thank you for bearing with me through this dark and difficult time. My next posts are happy ones and I am looking forward to them. Thank you to all of my friends on @twitter for their support and kindness, and thank you to all of my church friends for their guidance and support as well. May God bless you all.

thegeekwife

The Unexamined Life

by // // 4 Comments

As I deal with the death of my mom and wait patiently the birth of my first grandchild in December, I have taken some time to take a look at my life and my mortality. As Socrates once said, “The unexamined life is not worth living”. As we age we look back and many times we ask, “what would we have done differently” or we say, “I definitely would have done this differently”.

As I begin making sense of my mother’s untimely departure from my life and my first grandchild’s seemingly simultaneous arrival, I began to take a long look at my life and ask those same tough questions. I began to wonder, after my mom died, was I next, was 18 years all I had left? My mom died at 62, she died so young. All the other women in my family have lived to be 96, 88, etc….I began to wonder what if anything I would change, if I had accomplished all I set out to be. I made a comment one day to my husband that I had been alive for 44 years and had nothing to show for it. He had to remind me that I have 3 wonderful sons, all successful, happy, bright, intelligent, well-adjusted adults, and they are strong, healthy and loveable Christian human beings. I felt ashamed of myself. Why is it we look back and say we would change so many things knowing we wouldn’t, couldn’t even if we wanted to?

Why does it take someone dying to make us take a look at our life and examine the things we have become? Is it because all of sudden we begin to feel our own mortality? I know lately I have really felt it. I began to take a new look at all I had become. In the years since high school I have traveled the world, been to many exotic places, served my country and raised 3 wonderful sons, and managed through it all to work full-time and earn 4 degrees in Criminal Justice. So, why did I feel like I had not accomplished much of anything? I understand now it was because I was afraid I did not have much time left to do all the things I wanted to do. But, I know now that that is not true. I have always lived every day like it is my last and I am going to keep on doing so. I urge you to do the same.

thegeekwife

Orphaned and Alone

by // // 1 Comment

I lost my father at the tender age of 9, he died in April 1974. Then as you know in April of 2010 I lost my mother. I cannot explain to you the feeling of losing your last parent. I felt as if someone had just yanked my world right out from under me. The world as I knew it had changed. The connections I had as a human being were gone. My birth connections to another human being, my parents, were gone.

When you lose one parent, you can at least say, well I at least have my mom or dad or whatever parent remains. When you lose both parents, there is a feeling of complete and utter loneliness that surrounds you. You identity as a child is gone since you no longer have a living parent to cling to. All of a sudden you feel alone, alone because the parents that have always been around are now gone. There is a sense of no longer belonging to anyone, anywhere, or anything. There is a sense of profound loss that clings to you.

As I struggled to deal with this, I found myself trying to figure out how I belonged in this world, without my parents and alone. You spend so much of your life trying to figure out who you are without your parents and then when they are gone you try to figure out how you go on without them.

I do have one brother left and he is all I have left of my immediate family. I have found myself clinging to him a great deal in these last few months. I lost my other brother 10 years ago, the night before Thanksgiving. I have suffered a lot of loss in my life but nothing has left me feeling this alone and this cut off from everything and everyone.

Healing comes slowly and maybe one day soon I will find some peace. It has been almost 6 months but it seems like yesterday. If you have suffered the loss of both of your parents please comment and let me know how you dealt with it. If you have struggled like I have, my heart breaks for you.

thegeekwife

Identity Crisis: The Loss of a Mother

by // // 1 Comment

Most of you know that my mother died on April 11, 2010. I have not posted in almost 2 months because these next few posts have been difficult and heart wrenching to write. This has been the most difficult and trying 6 months of my life, outside of the death of my daughter in 1993.

As a little girl we grow up with many identities. We are known all of our life as parent’s daughter and then as we grow up and get married we are known as our husband’s wife. We never seem to realize how much our own identity is wrapped up in those that we hold so dear.

As the grieving for my mother continued and the days got darker and the crying spells longer, I tried to make sense of why I was having such a hard time with her death. My whole life we had a very volatile relationship and I tried so hard not to be like her, demanding, opinionated, independent, the center of attention, the life of the party, etc……But as I tried to come to grips with her absence I started to understand something. My identity was completely wrapped up in her, being her daughter, being like her in some ways. Who I was, was defined by who she was and vice versa.

Any daughter and mother can understand what I mean. I also understood something, in losing her I lost a part of myself. I lost a part of my identity, the part I call my mother’s daughter. Even though we fought and often I still miss her. I still find myself picking up the phone to call her and I can’t.

So, as I find myself trying to deal with the loss of my other I also find myself dealing with the loss of part of myself, part of my identity, this is incredibly hard. If you have ever lost a mother, I certainly pray for you and your family. If you are at odds with your mother please change it before it is too late to do so. May god bless you all.

thegeekwife

My Mother’s Passion

by // // No Comments

As I have mentioned in my previous blog post, domestic violence is a cause that is near and dear to my heart. My mother was a survivor and she worked tirelessly until her death at a shelter downtown for battered women and children. After her death I decided I was going to fill her shoes in a shelter downtown and take over where she left off, therein lies my problem.

My mother worked herself to the bone for these people. She served on the board, she cooked, she did whatever was needed. I have scheduled several meetings with this shelter to discuss how I may help to fulfill the empty hole my mother’s death has left behind. I have even gotten in the car and started downtown, only to end up on the side of the rode in a panic unable to breathe.

I want to be a part of all this shelter does for this community. However, I am having a problem with the thought of seeing my mother down every hall, around every corner, etc… Hearing stories about how my mother, did this, she did that, etc… Hearing stories about what a wonderful person my mother was to all of these people, when all I can remember was the last argument we had and all the terrible things she said to me.

Am I really ready to face all of that? It has only been four months. Four months since I had to face losing my mother at the worst time possible. We never really had time to completely make amends. I want to move forward with my volunteer work to further a cause that I am so passionate about, but how do I do that while facing the demon that was the relationship with my mother?

I am going to give this a little more time and when I am ready I am going to go to that shelter and as a way of honoring my mother’s memory I am going to give it all I can and maybe one day stand in her shoes on the board of this shelter, if they will let me. Always honor those that have past on before you as a means of respect because no matter how difficult your relationship, you once loved them and you were once loved by them in return.

thegeekwife

« Older posts
Newer posts »